Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Your emotions make you a monster.

    I am ranting and sharing about this in hopes that I may not be so deeply affected by the actions of others in the future.  I need a wall, a big, strong, healthy wall with some holes in it so that I might still participate in life.  I find that by reacting with raw anger, even with good intention, it always makes things worse. I make it worse for the victims, the villains, the heros and all innocent bystanders in ear shot of my cursing.
    I had a run in at a local swim  hole today. I was playing fetch with Rocky which consists of him barking manically at me until I throw him a stick. I usually have to gather at least five or so good size sticks to keep up with his stick drive. Insatiable is his duty to chip, shred and swim.  
    I was having a pretty good time until I noticed a man hurling a seven pound toy poodle through the air, towards the water.  Not just hurling either, but launching. It's feet were splayed out in four directions, a sign of being terrified to land. I would be too if a giant launched me through the air. The spot in the water the man was throwing his poodle was deep, but there are many randomly placed rocks in the water, some not sitting flat, to where even with really good aim he was putting his little guy in danger.
        So let's say this dog has a thing for being hurled through the air that I am unaware of (which was not apparent in the dog's body language at all). Wouldn't this guy have the fucking brains to move down stream a little where there would be absolutely no chance of injury?
       Of course not, because he was doing it for attention, not for the pleasure of his pooch, right in the chaotic center of the swim hole. He was not only putting his dog in danger, but others too.  The place was packed enough to the point where I found it difficult to throw a stick at times for fear of hitting somebody, let alone a whole fucking poodle.
     You might be reading this thinking, " Damn, she's overreacting a bit about this, I mean it's not even her dog.  Why doesn't she just mind her own business? Doesn't she realize she could have misperceived the whole situation?Why take that risk to make an ass out of yourself?" 
      Well, let me tell you. I notice when defenseless things, be it human or animal, are uncomfortable or being slightly dominated, or more.  And I have been right too often on these judgement calls.  I used to feel guilty about these strong emotions before I really owned my personality.  Now I know without a doubt what makes me happy, sad, angry, uncomfortable and protective.  I honor these emotions because if I didn't I would explode or at the very least use drugs again  and I want to avoid these two things, especially exploding.
     One of my favorite therapist said to me, after I suspected someone of child abuse in Burlington, "Gewel, Who better to notice dominance, but you. It's all you know. Technically, and I am sad to say this, you are an expert in the subject after being relentlessly surrounded by dominance and abuse your entire childhood and adolescence and you managed to dig out of the mental wreckage with healthy perspective and wisdom. Trust your gut more. Don't feel guilty about being perceptive. Trust yourself." And so I did and she was right. Dammit.
     Even though this particular situation was a no brainer really. You don't throw a dog like that in such a crowded swim hole. It's just fucking dangerous. And news flash you ass hat, dogs don't like  being thrown that hard. A dog can handle a toss, sure, but a launch, come on dude.  Did your father teach you to swim like that?  I'd bet money on it that he did.  It's insensitive to say the least; dogs don't want to be thrown, they like to throw themselves at things, but that is an entirely different story and there is usually food, sticks, love or a butt involved. 
     To make a long rant even longer, I noticed him about to launch his dog again.  I swam over and said to him in a quiet, polite voice. "Do you think that you could toss (being polite, because he was actually launching his dog) your buddy in some deeper water?" Pointing towards the deepest area. And then I made some heartfelt eye contact and said, "Because you're upsetting some people, including myself."  He replied with, " I know what I'm doing."  Then he immediately proceeded to throw his dog much farther and higher than the time before. This upset me, because at that point I realized,  I had just made it worse for the little dog.   Now his master had something to prove: that in fact, he really knew what he was doing.  I told him loudly, "If I were your dog, I'd fucking kill myself. You are such a fucking asshole." Maybe not the most intelligent response, but an honest one for sure.
      It was then that I decided to leave. I was not helping the situation at all, but in fact, making it worse for the little dog.  I knew that if the launching continued, and got worse even, I would have tried to claw this guys eyes out. Though I haven't ever and probably wouldn't do something like that, I would rather not test my rage. Damn I was mad.  I saw his blood on his face already with my wishful imagination.
      I feel awfully alone with how sensitive I am to situations and people.  I have been alone with my opinions in the past, I was alone in my opinion today and I am sure there will be more situations available to rub my nose in the fact that most of the world is insensitive and oblivious. It seems to me today that most people would rather not make waves to the point where everyone is wearing blinders, rationalizing each other's behavior. It's like that psychology term group-think, but on a much larger scale. That's why I have preferred the company of dogs over people since I was 14.

Your mommy told you this
And your daddy told you that
Always think like this
And never do that
You learned so many feelings
But what is there to that
Which are really yours
Or are you just a copycat
You're so boring boring boring
Always tape machine recording
You're so boring boring boring
I've heard all this before
Planless and mindless
Scraps from anywhere
Bunch of used parts
From garbage pails everywhere
Frankenstein became a monster
Just like you
Your scars only show
When someone talks to you
You're so boring boring boring
Always tape machine recording
I've heard all this before
I've heard all this before
Your emotions make you a monster

Monday, April 25, 2011

Beauty is Over-looked

I am brought to my knees by beauty sometimes. Simple wonders know no end such as the intensity of emotion, the power of thought and ideas, even the extraordinary act of drawing breath. These miracles surround us constantly.  Though a common sight is not someone doubled over from shock at the beauty of a sunset. Nor do I notice strangers in the street embracing, thanking each other for bearing witness to the splendor of being alive. Why are some jaded to these fantastic elements?  Are they distracted by the technology and superficial goals popular in our society? Are they consumed by self-obsessed thought until there is not any room left to appreciate beauty?   In this fast-paced environment, where technology and progress rule, beauty is over-looked and under-appreciated. This can be observed by interacting with others.
To see the complacent attitude toward beauty more clearly, pay attention to those around you. Next time you talk to someone, notice how often they complain or seem dissatisfied with some element of life.  Consumed by their selfish problems, they fail to notice the brilliance all around them. They are capable of seeing beauty, but unable to appreciate it because their vision is clouded by self-centered thoughts. They ramble off endless lists of unsolvable problems, always not getting what they think they want.  If they were truly enamoured by life they would be content with reality, accepting and appreciating it completely for what it is. During these conversations I am taken back by the beauty of the sky or the extravagantly crafted cloud floating by their heads as they complain.  If this complaining person is you, my advice is to take a step outside yourself and your problems to appreciate the magnificence that exists all around.
Some seem comfortable exploiting nature for profit. They would rather chase progress, success and money rather than enjoy what exists all around. Why would they rather have a parking lot than a park, or a Wal-mart than a family owned business?  Corporations are not faceless super entities, but made up of people just like you or me. Somewhere, their vision of beauty was distorted. When they think beauty, they see dollar signs. Corporations have destroyed whole ecosystems instead of taking a financial hit. No profit margin exists in a sunset and that oak tree isn’t going to tell them they are special.  There is no ego or gain involved in the true appreciation of beauty and, perhaps, because of this some do not find it appealing.  
The solution to the under-appreciation of beauty lies in the way children see the world with innocence. I notice children staring wide-eyed at their beautiful reality.  I remember the feeling of wonderment that came along with childhood, making up ballads and drawing elaborate worlds with my crayons to explain things I did not understand. Hold on to childhood wonderment, instead of slowly watching it wash away as we age  with criticism, societal standards, false ideals and goals; save the appreciation of beauty.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Mercy please, Mercury.


      I am counting down the seconds until Mercury is out of Retrograde. 

    Since it has started:
  •   Poison Ivy
  •   Head cold
  •   Trip to ER
  •   Broken fancy computer
  •   One lost phone
  •   Three broken phones
  •   Lost 1/2 dog harness (HTF does 1/2 dog harness disappear?)
  •   Four checks in the mail, from two different institutions, snatched from                                              
     the ether to God knows where.
  • One rejection from a major University for a REALLY stupid reason.

    I am not sure I can take anther seven days at this pace. 

    Despite all the chaos, I'm in a great mood :) Life is simple, sweet and happy. How liberating to realize my problems are superficial. 
    Rocky and I like Austin. His arthritis has improved greatly in just the week that we've been here. Our roommates are peaceful artists, musicians, and gardeners, and Geoff and I have many artistic endeavors on the horizon. Life is good.